Something has changed within me and I’ve decided to start using my YouTube channel again. The idea is not to become a disability vlogger or make regular content. It’s not something I envision monetising. In my head it’s yet another training ground for being an artist and accustomising myself to talk in front of a camera. As I say in the video, I hate filming myself, but I also have to push myself.

I started a YouTube channel when I was 18 and used it to upload songs I’d written. I did a gap year before university and recorded some songs I translated (well, more like rewrote from a translation I was given) from Mizo, the local language. These songs did very well, but I wasn’t interested in doing song covers. When I was at university I used my channel as a song-diary where I would record songs on the spot, which I see now as training for writing. I haven’t used it since then as I hadn’t had an idea of what I could do with it. I probably still won’t use it much.

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Last week I had a feedback session with my creative writing teacher about a short story I’d written called ‘Martin and The Flood.’ Last year I wrote in Blog Post 7 about a three-week creative writing class I went to run by Wimbledon Bookfest. Well, this year they ran it again, as an intermediary group for those who did the beginner class last year. It was the same teacher. I’ve done the three classes so I’m unlikely to be taught by him again, but I really valued the feedback. Last year I wrote him a poem, but this year our focus was on short story. For mine, I used the ideas I’d written about in Blog Post 29 to create a story about a boy called Martin who lives in a flooded bird-filled London overlooking train tracks.

My character is a child, but I know the idea is for our work to be published in a booklet like last year, so I know the audience will be adults. Last year we had a celebration when the book was published and some people read their work out loud. I didn’t, because I was self-conscious, and also don’t want to be remembered for poetry. This year, if it comes to it, I will read my story out loud. If I’m serious about being an artist, I better get comfortable reading my work out.

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It feels weird, recognising the thread of creativity that runs through my life. I’ve never been set on one goal, never had one ambition. That goes for my YouTube channel too. I have no idea what I’ll do with it, I just want to open up that option to myself again. I love performing when it’s just me being me, talking at an audience. I keep saying that I hate talking to a camera and I don’t like reading my work out loud, but is that a good excuse?

For me, poetry and also drawing and music are very important expressions of creativity, but they are not something I want to build a career out of. They are just for me and my friends and family. I think there is a line between talents you monetise, and talents that are for joy and fun. Everyone expresses themselves and their creativity in vastly different ways, and that creativity is just for you.

I guess I haven’t wanted to highlight my YouTube channel before because I felt awkward about the fact that I could no longer make singer-songwrtier content anymore. I’m probably worried that people will pity me for being disabled, which I don’t want. I don’t want people to feel sad for me as having had a skill I can no longer do. What changed? Time, I guess. What I want my YouTube channel to point to is ‘look, that girl was creative, and she’s still creative now.’ Creativity is not limited to one kind of expression. So here’s to me, with no plans of becoming famous or making money, but simply being creative.
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(Featured Image is a print of Billy Elliott jumping in front of the sheet music to the song ‘Electricity,’ from the ‘Billy Elliot’ musical, 2006.)